I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccck. I was away for a bit there ...full report to come. Must wait for my head and the cheques to clear... there were frogs, and drinks, and vipers. No kidding.

In before 12...

JeezeÖ is it Monday already? And not a word from me since last week. Itís hard to find the time. What with all the celebs kicking off. Some hockey guyÖ in some tragic fashion. Bob Hope last week. I fucked away most of today trying to make my computer send a fax. Iím going down to the fax store in the morning to send it, and the next time I have any money Iím gonna buy a fíing fax machine. Ber¸hren Sie nicht, da? es shmmootzig shmmootzig sein durr tea.


BLACK

We hear: A "Sofatones" song. It goes from full fidelity to "radio sound" as visuals fade in.

FADE IN:
IN THE CAR - MOVING SHOT - LATE DAY


DAVID and JUNE ANDERSON drive their late-model AMERICAN CAR down a city street in a shopping district. Mr. Anderson is a 52 year old school teacher. He is wearing casual clothes and a long dark coat. Mrs. Anderson sits beside him in the passenger seat. She is in her late forties, and is very pretty despite her drab clothing.We see her hand turn down the radio.

JUNE
I feel so naughty!

DAVID
Mmm

JUNE
I canít believe weíre doing this...

DAVID
(Laughs nervously)
Neither can I, but hey... weíre adults... we're allowed.

JUNE
I suppose... Itís just that at our age...I mean, I hope thereís no one there.

DAVID
Sex shops arenít just for the young and perverted you know. Remember what Dr. Laura said... a toy or two can put real zing into oneís love life.

JUNE
I know. Itís just that I never felt I needed anything like that with you, David.

DAVID
Awww... You know I feel the same way about you. Itís just that I donít want to suddenly be so old I canít get it up anymore, and think that I never tried anything (beat) "kinky".

JUNE
Well, Iíve heard so much about these things from my friends, it sounds like everyoneís doing it. Murial said it absolutely saved her marriage. She said it was better than Viagra for Chuck.

DAVID
Well, Iíd need a little something too, if I was married to Chuck. Yucky Chucky. Heís lucky he wasnít replaced with the damn thing.

JUNE
Oh, David. (beat) At least youíve never had any trouble in that area.

DAVID
That might be just because Iím married to you, and not Murial. If I had to wake up to that shrill-voiced harpie every morning, Iíd be having trouble in the bedroom too.


Toodles.

Man, what a great weekend, and what a great area to spend it in. I have lived on the North Shore all my life, and I will have to admit to being a little long in the tooth. I love this place but I guess I spent a lot of time complaining about it. I think though, that I complain more about what has changed than what always was. What always was is absolutely stunning.

The weather here has been typical good Vancouver weather. Beautiful blue skies with the occasional small puffy cloud that makes you notice it. Greatest town in the world for ambitious lazy people like the ones around my house. So we started at the top.

You can drive most of the way up Cypress Mountain. Trust me, this saves a lot of time. Iíve walked up there, and youíve got to have the right drugs for that. We drove up to the cross country skiing area (second to last parking lot ), and parked the car. It now costs $1 for an hour, or $5 for all day. What you do from here is walk up under the powerlines. Itís an easy walk, if a bit steep at times, but the view and the flora and fauna are more than worth it. I didnít pay so much attention to the plants when I was younger. I almost wish I had now. Almost. Fortunately I have a plant expert with me. When she talks about plants you canít help but be interested. Sheís so cute she could make Canadian history interesting.

Once up a sot of medium sized hill, the going gets easier. At this point you can open those beers you just hiked up the hill, safe in the knowledge that thereís an outhouse nearby. Watch the combustibles though, itís very dry up there this time of year.

There are several small lakes in that general area to check out. The dragonflies are huge and come to check you out. If youíre lucky one will hover in front of you long enough to get a good look at it. We also saw deer tracks and bear poo.

It only takes about an hour to get up to the little lakes and back if youíre not dawdling too badly, but you could easily spend a whole day up there... bring a lunch, like we didnít.

So down the hill for food. There must be 100 places to eat on Lonsdale. Just trying to decide what to have takes up an hour every day. We chose the Sushi Station. Yum.

Then we cleaned off the little boat, strapped it to the car and headed for Deep Cove. We hadnít used it in quite a while but it worked wonderfully. My dad built it in the 60ís. Ten feet of tippy terror. The boat is a little hard to move around in without being tossed in the water, but goes like hell under sail. Today we were rowing, and drinking. Rowing is quite a bit of work. I guess it really has been a long time. Long story short, it was kind of romantic. Try that in Toronto.

I got an e-mail this morning from "admin@shaw.ca" telling me my e-mail address was going to change (again) and to see the attached file for details. I was suspicious but decided to look at the file anyway. It was an .exe file called "foo". It was supposed to print up a bunch of stuff (like ha ha ha ) on my screen, then start mailing all my buddies a copy of itself. A virus like this will do nothing to a Mac and I donít use anything else. I just said donít but I really meant wonít.

I phoned tech support to tell them, and see if I could help them in any way. He said the calls were really coming in now, and this was looking like a "whiskey by three" day. He must have been a Mac user too, as we had a giggle and thanked uncle Bill for the fun. I wished him good luck, and I meant it. Poor bastard... Thereís going to be 1000 people calling him today trying to figure out what happened to their machines.

Strange how they all come at you at once. It sounds as though we are being promised funding for a movie before the script is written. Boy, that must be a good story. (It really is.) Iíve also been asked to help with a recording. It pays in musical instruments. Iím such a sucker for exotic acoustic guitars. I wish you could pay off Hydro with some of that shit. Will I hear from anyone for drinks this weekend? Miss J? Slim? Tod?

For your weekend - the M's and N's of internet stupidity. No reason... just a coinsidence.

Morons.org

Mr Nasty.com

Newgrounds.com

i-mockery.com... read "perves". The not a girl guy that thinks he's funny is the best part. Sickness from both sides. Yep... you just can't make this shit up.

Love to all.

Thursday. I have a rock band in my basement every Thursday night. Perhaps this is why Iím already drinking and itís only four in the afternoon. Or maybe itís because I donít have any money, but I do have drinks. And itís sunny, and my house is a mess, and itís just me here all day, and Iím kindío tired cause I had the same kind of a day yesterday.

On a lighter note, some idiot 20 years ago put pea-gravel under my back porch. I suppose it looked nicer than the dirt at the time, but Iíll let you in on something... pea gravel looks a lot like KITTY LITTER. To cats in particular. So right now Iím sitting three feet above 20 years worth of cat turds. The smell on a hot windless day is eye watering. I figured all this out a while ago, and still havenít done anything about it. I mean what if Iím pregnant? Toxoplasmosis, you know.